tonight I went through all of my bills so as to be sure they were all paid before I leave for vraj. it's so depressing. I think when I come back I need to actually add up all of my debt and take a serious look at it. I can't do it before I leave because I'm way too attached to my spending plan.

one of my counseling professors said this would only get better when I decided to stop deceiving myself about the debt.



puppy love

so, we did it. we got a puppy... or rather santa left an early gift. her name is lali, which means "little girl" in hindi (I think hindi...). my husband says she looks like a little ewok (sp?). she's just a little ball of fur. when I got her home her true personality came out... she's a little bit of a freak, but it's ok, I'd rather have a dog with a little bit of personality.

the one thing that's a little disappointing is that after all of the research it seems that puppys can't really be vegetarian... adult dogs, no problem. but there is no such thing as vegetarian puppy food. so, unfortunately, we're doing a mix of regular puppy food and adult veg food for now. it's not the worst thing in the world, but I was kind of excited to be able to have a veg dog. in a few months though, it will be no problem.

I have a massive headache and I have been super tired the past few days. this pretty much happens at the end of every semester though. I think it's part of the termination process for me. one of my friends at school, whom I have a lot in common with, was saying she is experiencing the similar symptoms - especially the feeling like, "what do I do now??". I guess fortunately for us, the spring semester will be upon us shortly... along with our thesis project. joy!

I've only gained about 4lbs back so far, which is really good. I feel really good about how I'm doing, though I have to admit that I'm being a little OCD in my head everytime I eat a little more than I think I should. I really need to start exercising, but I'm waiting until I get back from India to really get into the groove....
and yeay! let the vrindavana countdown begin!!! at this time next week I'll be in a car driving to vraj. how exciting is that?!?!


winding down

I'm starting to get the "semester's almost over" blues. well, not really blues, but more like laziness. you see, I'm constantly going going going going... that once the "going"ness stops, I go to the next extreme, which is doing absolutey nothing. it was hard for me to even get myself up to write this. it's a little premature, though, because I still have one more final small paper to write and some grading to do for work. but the freedom is so close I can taste it. I don't really know if I like it - the void is actually really uncomfortable for me. I start to get ansty, which explains the research I was doing today for the program I want to apply for once I graduate next year. I'm looking into the Ed.S program in Marriage and Family Therpay at TCNJ. I wish I could start it now. I can get really hyper about stuff like this.

on a more depressing note, maya is in full swing, throwing me all kinds of buying temptations. my beautiful and lovely godsister, seva priya, sent around this link for this oh-so-cool website, gheehappy.com
there are so many cute accessories! but I am resisting... it wasn't until I found this link via that website that I was really in trouble...pardonmyhindi.com
cute t's galoure! I couldn't resis this one, and just had to order it.... what's wrong with me? I'm leaving for Vrindavana in a week!!! I should be saving my money... I'm so weak!

oh, no, I didn't even tell you the worst part... or maybe the best. we're getting a dog. I know, I know... dog's are dirty, they're moochie, blah, blah, blah. I'm too lazy to go into my whole speel about it. maybe I'll save that for later. needless-to-say, there's a whole other end of spending that comes with our new pup, Lalli. I didn't even tell you about the vera bradley accessories I purchased off ebay for her. I'm turning into one of those crazy people that dresses up their animal. I know. don't even start with me about it.
she's not coming home until Sunday. I'll keep you updated.


mushy brain

I can barely think after writing...handwriting...my last final exam for an hour straight.

I found this neat video on youtube that I thought I would share. it's a little weird, but very aesthetically pleasing. it kind of feels like a moving painting.

at any rate, enjoy.



I'm really tired right now after a long day of work and school. I don't have too much to say. there's this dog I'm in love with right now, but I'm not sure if we're going to get it. actually, I'm just too tired to even explain or talk about it right now.

I can't promise anything better for tomorrow either. I have my last final exam tomorrow night and it's stressing me to the max. this professor is really pissing me off. I hate having to memorize crap for no apparent reason, or just for the sake of a test. but whatever, it's something I have to do, and by this time tomorrow it will be over with.

and this time two weeks from now, I'll be in Vrindavana. if I just think about that, everything is a-ok.

oh, and on a side note, I'm seriously addicted to Law and Order SVU. can anyone relate?? probably not.


what, you've never seen anyone in a crazy red hat before???

so I bought this ridiculous hat at the gap yesterday. I think it's pretty cute. but people have been really thrown back by it all day. I actually had a lady pointing and laughing at me behind my back...which I thought was funny. my husband said I look like a rooster, which I also thought was pretty funny. I even did a little rooster dance.

at any rate, madhavi went to bharat natyam this morning, and then we made our way to whole foods in middletown, which was fun. I was having a hard time while she was eating the pizza there for lunch. if you've never had it, mmmm, you don't know what you're missing. today is soup and salad day for me, so I couldn't go anywhere near it. I had a nice salad there though. I bought lots of good stuff...but also passed up a lot of stuff because it's just too expensive there. like why spend $3 on a bunch of organic broccoli when I can get it for half the price at shoprite? I'm all for eating better, but I can't afford to go all the way organic yet. I'm just a public school teacher/full-time graduate student/ocd shopper, after all.

I went up a lb. today, but I also got my monthly woman's visitor. so that explains a little bloating as well as my cravings and urges to simultaneously kick madhavi in the butt and buy a new puppy. yes, I almost bought a new puppy today. hormones will do that to a person.

tomorrow is back to real eating. I'm looking forward to getting back to my regulated schedule. I'm finding that I'm not really all that hungry during the day. I hope that lasts.


soup du jour

today was soup day. I made a sweet potato-kale-zucchini medly. it's really just boiled vegetables in water, but it's better than lemon juice, maple syrup, and cayanne pepper! I had a few crackers and a piece of toast too... which is a little more cheating, but my stomach feels ok, and I didn't overdo it.

I was shocked to see that I lost almost another 1.5lbs. I've lost something like 11.5lbs. I can't remember exactly what I started at (in terms of the ounces) but it's close enough. it's crazy. but I lost 11 the first time I did the cleanse... so what I'm hoping is that I only gain 3 back like I did the first time, and then I maintain it for longer... like for forever. I feel so good about the way I look right now. If I looked like this all of the time I would never feel bad about the way I look. ok, except for my double chin. I'll never get over that.

I spent today teaching, learning, and shopping. Run-on sentences, marriage and family systems therapy, and old navy. quite a day.

<--- a good find, no?


o.j. day

today was all about being hungry. it's quite annoying. I actually cheated a tad bit and had a bananna for dinner. I couldn't help it - I had to. I was so hungry and in need of something to calm down my stomach (which was literally making angry noises at me).

on the way to this super ridiculous department holiday party, I stopped at this health food store in toms river that I hadn't been to since high school. I needed to pick up some acidopholis for the post-op recovery. I couldn't believe the variety of stuff they had in there... it was a like a mini-Whole Foods, but kind of better. I found these yummy looking cookies that didn't have eggs in them, and this microwavable cheddar broccoli soup without chicken stock...and so many other things. I didn't actually buy anything because I didn't have much time to shop, and plus, why buy stuff you can't eat yet anyway? but I think I want to take a trip to Whole Foods this weekend at some point and do some shopping for next week.

one realization today is how glad I am I don't drink alcohol. people are so into alcohol and I just don't get it. I get it, but I guess what I really mean is I think it's ridiculous. at this departmental holiday party I had to go to today they played that gift game where you put in a gift and then pick names and you can steal other peoples gifts... I can't remember what it's called... anyway, literally 3/4 of the presents were some form of alcohol. it was just overboard. I decided not to play the game before hand, mostly because I'm cheap and don't know half of the people... but I'm glad I did because I probably would have come home with an expensive and useless bottle of wine. why not just give money to charity instead?


day nine: no regrets.

I got a letter from a friend just a few minutes ago...I hope she doesn't mind:

"I've been reading your progress on the cleansing and your doing a great job! 9.6 pounds is how much I want to lose and you've done it! I admire your determination. Even though your ready to quit, I don't think you should. I'm gonna motivate you to finish it the best I can.
I think you are beautiful the way you are, and I really mean that. I always thought you were a beautiful girl, even in high school. And still to this day. Your an amazing person, and your so freakin smart!!! I have to admit, even though theres one day left, if you quit now, I'll be a bit disappointed. Its like quitting the race when you are a stone's throw away from the finish line...I know you can do it and I hope you will. I'll read the journal entry tomorrow and I hope to see your excitement in finishing your cleanising! Its like a climax for you (and me) I don't get to read something this exciting everyday, and its like a show I keep tuning into. PLEASE don't quit yet! I wanna read your excitement SO BAD!!!
I'm keeping my fingers and toes crossed. xoxoxoxo"

I so much appreciate everyone's support. It really does help in the process. Don't be mad, but I'm planning to break the fast tomorrow. I know it's supposed to be 10 days...I know. I've done it before, and if I really pushed myself, I could do it again... but really, I'm ready to stop. I'm ok with it. I thought I would feel like a loser, but I don't. I generally don't like to start things and not finish them...but really, I'm good. I don't even necessarily feel like I'm quitting either, just kind of retiring early. I pretty much decided last night that I was going to make today my last day, and I've had my mind set on that all day, so there's no turning back now. It's ok; I'm ok.

I'm still really excited too. Even though I didn't lose anymore today, where I'm at is awesome. I still might lose a pound or two over the next few days...but even if I don't I'll be happy. And the most exciting part... no more tea!!!!!! yeay!
Tomorrow is supposed to be only orange juice... I cheat a little bit there also. I remember the first time I did it was such torture - the juice doesn't give you the same hunger satisfaction as the lemonade. I was soooo hungry. So I'll cheat a bit, do the juice, some applesauce, and watermelon. It's a way to ease the stomach back into solid food.
I have to say, I'm really looking forward to Saturday, which is vegetable soup. oh, I'm mentally drooling!


day eight: take it one day a time.

I stayed home from work today. I didn't sleep that well last night and was just so tired this morning that I decided it was a good day to stay home. while I was still contemplating the fast I asked this nutrition lady what she thought about it. she said she thought it was a positive thing, but reminded me that part of the purpose is to help the body rest - that doing the fast while maintaining a hectic and crazy schedule might be too much. it hasn't really been that bad - in fact, sometimes I think it makes it easier. if my mind is on something else, then I'm not thinking about not eating. but I thought today would be a good day to rest. so I stayed home and worked on some things that I wouldn't have been able to get done at work.

I'm thinking about making tomorrow my last day. I don't know why I can't go 10...maybe I can. but I feel like I'm really ready to stop. but I thought if I approached it as "one day at a time" that maybe I could somehow trick myself into the full 10 days. so tomorrow I will decide if I can make it the extra day. I hate to give up at the end, but really, mentally, I'm finished.

I lost another 1.4....so that makes it 9.6 total I think. another lb or two, and I'll feel satisfied in that realm. cleanse wise, I already feel really good...I'm ready to start a cleaner, more natural eating regimin.


day seven: three more days still feels like forever.

Usually when I sit down to write here it's late and I'm not in a great mood. I feel bad. I don't want anyone to get the impression that I'm this miserable all day. I was actually in quite a good mood for most of today. But then I had to go to school and deal with my annoying professor who has ridiculous expectations...and then I found out my daugher lost her first tooth (which is awesome) and I missed it...and then I got a crappy email from this lady about how I don't understand something that I clearly understand - it is she that does not understand... anyway, you get my point. it's the end of the day, I haven't eaten in 7 freakin' days and I'm tired of dealing with annoying people. it's nothing personal.

so tomorrow I will try to write at a more decent hour so you can feel the more happy me. tomorrow is day 8. that alone is worth celebrating.

I've considered that if I run out of lemons before friday (I bought three 5lb bags to start) that I might just end when they run out. But I don't know, that's probably my evil, quitter side talking. I should just go out to the store and buy more if I need to.

I'm down another pound. 8.2lbs gone so far. Right now I'm at the weight I want to be at after I finish and gain a few back. So, in other words, I'd like to lose another three so that when I gain some back it evens out. Totally on the bodily platform - I really like the way my body looks right now. I love the way my cloths fit... and not in a like "I look gooooooooood!" way, but it a "damn, my pants aren't cutting off my circulation and my stomache isn't spilling out the top" way.

seven down, three to go. three to go. three to go.


day six: are we there yet?

I have to keep telling myself it's only a few more days. when I said to my husband on the car ride home from school, "I don't feel like doing this fast anymore." I expected him to say, "so why not break it?" but instead he said, "but you're already 6 days into it..."

he's right. there's no turning back now. I would feel like such a loser if I stopped now. I'm getting really bored of the lemonade, and I don't even want to talk about the tea. physically I feel fine. I would even venture to say good. I didn't sleep well last night (I have bouts of insomnia sometimes) so I am quite tired today - though not as tired as I expected to be.

anyway, four more days to go. it could be worse. it could be six or seven. I'm over the hump. I lost .8lbs between yesterday and today, bringing my grand total to 7.2lbs so far. not too shabby.

I'm sorry, I don't really have anything fun to say today. I think I just need to rest.


day five: cranky.

the day didn't start out so bad, actually. I didn't lose anymore, but I kind of expected that, so I wasn't really disappointed. The thing that is really interesting is how I can see the shape of my body changing, even though I didn't lose anything.

then I started to get hungry. I've been hungry on and off all day. I don't know why, but I just have been. and it's made me very unhappy. I want to eat something. I don't feel like doing this anymore. I'm cranky. I'm irritated. the smell of the baked potato my husband is eating right now is making me so very angry. I kind of want to stab him with the fork. not because I want to stab him personally. I'm not mad at him. I'm mad at the potato. I'd have to stab him because he's eating it, because if I stabbed the potato, I'd eat it.

ugg, I can't even talk about it anymore. thank god tomorrow is day 6. I hope this week goes by quickly. it should. that will mean it will be over, and I'll be one week closer to vraj. yeay.


day four: day dreaming.

hot chocolate. pineapple chile pizza. lasagne. cookies. coldstone peanutbutter iced cream. any kind of pasta with a beautiful fresh tomato sauce, topped with mozzarella and parmesana cheese. bagels. hummus. a tramendous salad. tacos. nachos. soy nuggets. veggie heaven. bbq'd tofu...or no, curd. curd sabji. sweet potatoe pakoras. jaya su's dohkla. with coriander chutney. puris. chapatis. roti. parothas. fancy rice (no seeds). cheese. butter!

the list could go on and on. today I didn't feel all that hungry, but all I could think about was food. I'm dying to eat something. anything. but I know I can't. I shouldn't. I won't. Day four... I've come too far. tomorrow is the halfway mark in terms of the fasting. I can do this. I'm doing it.

Amazingly, somehow, according to my scale, I am down almost 7 lbs. I think soon I will stop losing. This is the quickest I've lost this much. If I didn't feel so good, which I do, I would be a little scared. But overall, I feel fine.

oh, and, p.s., that tea is getting on my nerves.


day three: comfort!

I didn't wake up quite as refreshed today, but I've felt pretty good nonetheless. I've been wanting to eat, though. Not because I necessarily feel hungry, but because I miss my old friend, i.e. food. In fact, right now I don't feel hungry at all, but the smell of the curly fries my husband is making right now is enough to make me want to fall off the wagon. I'm keepin' strong though, drinkin' the drink, trying to stay as stress free as possible...

I'm down almost 5lbs. I was shocked that I had lost so much more today. My pants aren't tight, yeay! The great thing about this fast (and perhaps the only thing that really makes it possible) is the instant gratification. Pain, then pleasure... what mode is that? Pain in the beginning, pleasure in the end? Oh yes, passion. Well, that's the story of my life. but I kind of see this as a way to move more towards goodness, eating healthier to avoid the pain altogether. Is it possible? I don't know, in the material world, probably not.


two down, eight or so to go...

today has been a much better day. last night after making my post here I settled in to drink my nightly tea and watch a little ANTM-maya. suddenly I knew it was coming... I threw up everything in my stomache, which essentially was just liquid. it was horrible. I felt horrible. I was seriously considering ending the cleanse right there and then. I took some deep breaths and decided there wasn't much I could do at 8:30 pm...plus I didn't really feel like eating after vomiting anyway. I thought I would see how I felt today and take it one step at a time.

one thing I had forgotten about the cleanse is how well rested I feel when I wake up in the morning. and besides that, it's so easy to actually get up. I just opened my eyes and it was like I had been awake all along. I felt refreshed completely. I took this as just another reminder of how what I eat effects the way my body functions.

my weigh-in was good too. I lost 3.4 lbs. now, I take that with a grain of salt because my scale is a little whacky sometimes and I don't know how accurate my initial weigh-in was. But it felt good non-the-less. the losing will slow down - in fact, I wouldn't be surprised if I didn't lose anything today. I know it may seem hard to believe, but it's really not completely about losing weight, and I'm trying to keep that as central as possible.

a little brighter today ------>


day one isn't pretty

they say a picture is worth a thousand words. well, I don't even have the words to describe how absolutely horrible I feel right now. I've done this fast twice before and I've never felt this bad. my head is pounding. I can only imagine that this is what a migraine feels like. today is d-day... that is detox day. my body is freaking out because all these crazy toxins are trying to get out. I recently attended a nutrition workshop and the lady giving the class talked about how we shouldn't eat things that have ingredients we can't pronounce. right now I imagine all of those unpronouncable things swimming inside me pushing to get out. get out, get out, get out!

with that said, I need to rest. I need to rest so absolutely. so I'm going to go do that. I just hope that tomorrow is better.


pre-op: I just want to enjoy!

really, the fast starts the day before it starts. mentally, I am preparing myself for ten+ days of no solid food. akuntitha sent me an email that said, "pig out today cuz tomorrow...well, you know!" and oh, I know. so I did everything in my power to eat lots of crap over the past few days... chocolate and cheese galore (not necessarily together, but that wouldn't have been a bad idea!)... in fact I had this crazy grilled cheese tofurky melt for dinner that was so divinely cheese and buttery... mmm.... anyway, you get my point. really, food for me is all about comfort and enjoyment. that's half my problem right there. and Krsna, being Himself, has to throw a little wrench into the equation. a few days ago my toothbrush slipped whilst I was brushing and I cut the inside of my lower gum line. and ouch, immediately I knew what was going to happen. low and behold a day later I had two huge canker sores...and then a day after that a third. mouth pain has to be one of the worst - next to sleep deprivation, which is painful on so many levels... but I digress... so eating hasn't been all that fun the past few days. but I've been trying really hard. I must have spent about $30 just on "remedies" for these damn things... none of which worked, btw. While I try to chew on one side and in the back of my mouth, I imagine Krsna giggling at me and pointing, saying, "Just look at you trying to enjoy!" He's a funny one, that Krsna.
to get started for tomorrow I had to drink my first dose of the laxative tea. did I mention I hate fennel? well, I do. I despise it as much as any one person could and then some. the smell alone was making me gag. but what can I do? it's an essential ingredient to a healthy cleanse. the lemon drink cleans the insides and the tea pushes it all out. a nice visual, right?
and so I embark on day one tomorrow... I have faith that I can do it, I just don't know how fun it will be.
<---on the verge, don't I look so excited?


starting something new, and revisiting the past

ok, I give in. I'm going to do it. after all, what's one more place on the internet to exist?

so here I am. I don't know how often I'll write here, but I thought this might be a good place to just write, regardless of whether or not anyone actually reads it.

you may or may not know that I have done the master cleanse in the past. the first time I did it was about six or seven months ago and it was great. I felt really good afterwards. I lost 11 lbs and only gained about three back initially. then kisori wanted to do it and so I decided to do it a second time with her about two months later. it wasn't very fun the second time around. I wasn't very prepared for it mentally, which is an essential element to doing the cleanse. I lost another 9 lbs and was down to a weight lower than I had been since high school. it was awesome, for like a second, and then I shot right back up - which I expected, because it is impossible for my body to maintain such a low weight. I knew that going in.
now, I am almost back at my original weight from the first time I did it seven months ago...many would claim that this is because the cleanse isn't for weight loss (which, really, it's not... that's a very secondary element) and that it's impossible to maintain that weight loss. well, I balk at you. that's not true. the only reason I gained most of the weight back is because the craziness of my life became even crazier and I went back to my crazy eating habits. yes, I know it is my eating that is the problem... oh and the fact that I haven't exercised in MONTHS. besides how much I eat, I've just been eating junk, junk, junk, which is usually all I have time for. and my body is screaming to stop - my skin is in horrible condition, I'm sluggish and fatigued, among other things. it's time.
and so this coming wednesday...yes, in two days... I will begin a third round of the master cleanse. I'm simultaneously excited and scared. not scared in a bad way, but in a I-don't-want-to-deal-with-the-annoying-part way. the annoying part, as in, being hungry, the unavoidable nasty-mouth-taste, drinking that drink, the laxative tea (which I hate because the taste of fennel makes me gag), the evacuation issues (which is gross, but an oh-so-unavoidable issue...since that's what it's all about!). but I'm dedicated to it. I will do it. and I will feel soooooo much better when it's over. if I keep remembering that, I will be ok.

my goal is to try to blog the cleanse every day. like I said, I don't know how well that will work, but I'm going to try.

on a more KC note, kartika ended a few days ago. it's funny how the purification mist just lifts the next day. the mood is different, so all of a sudden. it was a nice month. I'm happy with how I handled my vratas... but not in a proud way. in a I'm-glad-I-made-reasonable-attainable-choices way. it is depressing, however, how the vratas just melt away the day after. like, if I do those things for a month, why can't I do them all of the time??? somehow most of them just flutter off into the dust, soon to be forgotten.

oh, and vrndavna is happening soon. so soon, but not quite soon enough. yeay vraja!



this is just the beginning. or maybe the end. we'll see.