o/~she's a maniac, maniac on the floor....o/~

yes, this is my daughter dancing her little heart out at a competition a few weeks ago (and yes, I stole this picture from the photographers website where they were trying to sell a 4x6 for like $15). she's totally dedicated to her art form, and this is quite evident in her commitment on the stage. people often ask me where she gets it from. I usually just shrug my shoulders and smile. but really, only those who grew up with me would know, that really, this was me at her age. I have crazy memories of dancing on the ledge of my grandparents fireplace to "these dreams" by heart (um, ok, it was the 80's after all) or making a video to "locomotion" by kylie minogue in my living room... or then there was the time that mtv had a "make your own video" contest for madonna's true blue - oh, I was all over that! and then there was the ac/dc contest... ok, let's not talk about that one - but the point is this, it is amazing how much can be carried through genetically, karmically from parent to child. I just hope that my daughter has the courage to do what I did not - to follow her heart, her dreams. that she will not get sucked into societies expectations of her to be everything all at once.


done, crispy even.

so, stick a fork in me, people, I am so done. I'm ready to just roll over and call it a day. I am so tired - physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually - is there any other way to be tired? because if there is, then I am that too. this has been a very, very long semester. and sadly, I don't feel like I accomplished much, except maybe grown a few more grey hairs. I am so ready for my very late spring break to occur next week - although I will be spending my week reviewing attachment theory literature and responding to it, while fasting. yes, I'm going to do the cleanse again - a shortened version this time, mostly because I feel like it's time. it seems like the end of a semester is always a good time to cleanse - get rid of all of the craziness that has gone on inside of me over the past five months. five months - that's crazy! it doesn't seem like it has been that long, but indeed, time flies... whether you are having fun or not.

I must apologize for not writing as much as I said I would. I write every day in my head - this much you should know. unfortunately it doesn't usually make it here. but I am always talking to you in my mind. we have lots of very interesting and fun conversations, really. if only you could be a part of it all of the time.

it always gives me a good chuckle when someone admits to me that they read this blog. it's flattering, don't get me wrong. but sometimes it's amusing, for example, I was talking to a friend this past weekend (whose name I won't mention because I know she would be embarrassed) and she said something about me not going to Philly anymore, or something like that...and she said, "Oh, well, you know, I know because I read it on your blog." and then she kind of blushed and laughed and said, "well, I mean, I guess that's what it's for, right, to be read by people?" I laughed, too, because it is always weird to admit to reading someone else's thoughts and internal workings. but I assured her that I liked to hear that people read my blog, that it is comforting to know that I am not just talking to myself. I just hope that I am not too mundane and whiney for you all. I try not to be, really - but it's hard not to be myself (myself, who is quite mundane and whiney).

I'm sorry I don't have more for you though. I'm so tired, like I already said a million times. but soon, it will be all over, and we can do a collective sigh of relief when this too passes - as it shall.


'and miles to go before I sleep'

I crawl inside of you
so familiar
fetus like,
comfort and warmth
in your darkness
so deep,
hopeless -
I press my ear to the glass -
listen, think
'cicadas in april?'
you say,
it is too cold.'



with or at.

I try not to take myself so seriously most of the time. when others poke at me or make jokes at my expense, I try to laugh along. laugh with them, at me.

but most of the time, it just kind of sucks.



it is human nature to seek pleasure. that's what we do... move our worlds in such a way so that we can feel good, enjoy. pleasure isn't always pleasurable, though. I know, it sounds kind of weird, but it's so true. take addictions for example. we seek pleasure through something that might be sometimes painful. there is that whole modes of nature analogy (pain the beginning, pain the end), which I think is from bhagavad-gita, that helps to illustrate how the only happiness comes from the mode of goodness - which, when described comes down to serving Krishna purely.
so, I was thinking about this today and wondering why I always seek things that I think will make me happy, but in the end just make me miserable. I don't know why. I have yet to find anything - anything - that I truly feel satisfied with, even in Krishna-consciousness. all I have is faith. faith that one day everything I have heard will manifest - that one day I will be attracted to chanting Hare Krsna - that I will do it, attentively and with love. that I will stop wanting to be everything, and just want to be a lover of Sri Krishna (and by that I mean "one who loves" - not in the gross sense).
but until then, what to do? just feel like a loser, I guess.