screw you, 2012.

hit play. then read on.

this year by kmala gutierrez on Grooveshark

I'm not going to sugar coat this...

2012 was indeed the worst year of my life. so all I have to say to dear old 2012 is good riddance. actually, I could think of a few other expletives that I'd like to use to describe 2012, but I probably shouldn't.

the next part of this electric gorilla's wise words was "BETTER"... as in everything will get better. so I'm trying to have faith that 2013 is going to be way better than 2012. but I'm not holding my breath. my astrologer says that my real golden age is coming when my rahu period starts in 2014. so yea, it might be a little while.

at any rate, my most bestest wishes to you and yours in the new year. I hope your 2013 is better than your 2012 - even if your 2012 rocked. because then your 2013 will be SUPER awesome. and you can't beat that.


2012 'to-do list' round-up

well hello there.

in a post at the beginning of this year I told you about how I don't do new year's resolutions. making any kind of plan/resolution/vow is usually a bad idea for me. I don't tend to stick to them for very long, if at all. so instead of making resolutions I made a "to-do" list of sorts. not that you care, but here is how I progressed on this list through out the year...

1. read the following books:
 -gone with the wind 
 -unaccostumed earth 
-her fearful symmetry     
-is everyone hanging out without me? 

ok, so I read unaccostumed earth and am in the middle of her fearful symmetry. actually, I've been in the middle of it for like four months. it's good, don't get me wrong, but it's not totally grabbing me. and since I started dong my yoga teacher training, I've been reading like five books at one time. I didn't read the other two. one and half is better than none.

2. learn to crochet for real

well, I learned how to do a granny square and made a bunch of them but it kind of pittered (wait, pittered? or puttered? what word am I even thinking of?!) out after a while. again, I'm so busy usually that I either don't have the time or energy for another hobby. sigh.

3. do the couch to 5k program. 

a person needs energy and time for such things. I tried to start it again (for like the third time I think) and then something weird happened to my foot and I lost my momentum. oh well.

4. do a 5k

totally done! check! you can see my whole post about it here. I can't wait to do the color run again next year. maybe I'll actually run it. ha!

5. make quilts for my ladies

totally didn't even come close to happening.

6. lose 15 lbs. 

this actually happened. and then I started having panic attacks and nervous breakdowns and went on a lot of dumbass medication and I gained all that shizzle back. it sucks. because now that I'm off my meds I get to try to lose it all again. I have a plan though. so yea, ya know. 

7. wean gita.

this was the most important item on the to-do list for me and it happened! thank you thank you thank you to my very patient, understanding, and dedicated husband! gita was officially weaned in april. I skeedaddled for three days and he withstood all kinds of torture and she was weaned. when I came home from my vacation in... um, toms river... she was pretty much totally over it. now she sleeps through the night and eats real people food (ok, sometimes she eats real people food... mostly she just snacks, but that's a totally other thing...). I think the main thing that we've gained from this, though, is that I don't really feel weird feelings of resentment toward her anymore. resentment isn't the right word, really, but when she was nursing our whole relationship centered around her doing just that - asking for milk all of the time. I was basically her milk machine. now we can just chill and hang out and play and stuff and none of that pressure is there. our whole relationship has been redefined and I'm so grateful for it.

so that's that. I've been contemplating a list for 2013. sigh. I don't know. is it even worth it? why bother? why not just do what I'm going to do and enjoy the ride? why pressure my self? yea, I don't know. I'm still thinking about it. stay tuned.


tonight I told my children I love them. and I meant it.

I tell my little ladies that I love them every day and every night. it's a habit at this point. I always mean it, but I don't always think about how I mean it. but tonight when I said it, I meant it.

I don't usually get super emotional over crappy, horrible, or tragic stuff in the news. sure, I was shocked and appalled at every mass-shooting that has happened over the years, but something about the shooting today in connecticut has just pierced my being. it didn't at first. when I saw the big red headline on the msn site this morning I didn't even click on it. then people at work started talking about it - so I read the article. I was shocked, appalled, and saddened, of course. I listened to a local station on the way home and heard stories about people picking up their kids and crying while waiting for them at the bus stop and how we should all hug our kids extra tight and all that. I still wasn't so phased though. it was still just sad.

tonight was my oldest daughter's holiday play at school. at first it was just another boring and torturous catholic school play. but then all these little kids were everywhere, singing and looking so innocent and cute. and then my daughter's class came out. and I saw her up on the stage and I just lost it. she was up there singing her little vaisnavi heart out about walking like Jesus or something or other, and I was in the back sobbing. I finally got myself together and then lost it again at the finale when all the kids were on the stage at once. those kids.

I can't imagine what the parents of those 18 (or whatever the tragic number is) dead children are going through. I don't want to imagine it.

all I can say is I got to tell my children I loved them tonight. and I was able to be in that moment and say it and mean it. and I am so grateful for it.


the answer is 42.

when I was in high school I dated a boy named eric sherman who once told me that the number 42 was the answer to all of the questions in the universe. I was in love with him so the number 42 became my favorite number. I also love even numbers, so it has remained the number I use all the time for random things.

a few weeks ago I was reprimanding a student and I said to him something like, "ok, good, I'm glad we're on the same page"...to which he promptly responded, "yea, page 42." thus ensued an entire conversation on the significance of the number 42.

if you don't know, the number 42 became famous after Douslas Adams had one of his characters in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy say, "The answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe, and everything is 42." Hitchhicker's geeks took it to the next level... but alas, that's a long story. you can read more about it here. 

anywhozzle, I had my students do a whole art project thingy based on their own interpretation of the number 42. it kind of didn't have anything to do with anything, but it was fun.

so for my last installment in the "I dress like I'm 16" series, I decided to have my friend take the pictures in front of my favorite project. today I went casual. or like normal. honestly, I don't think all that hard about what I'm going to wear. enjoy or something.


oh yes. it is official.

him: miss, you go on twitter?

me: no.

he looks at another boy across the room and shrugs his shoulders.

me: I mean, I have a twitter account, but I don't go on. I kind of think twitter is stupid.

him: oh, yea, me and him had a bet that you were a hipster.

YES! yes, grasshopper, thank you. I am glad that my cat dress made you see the light.

in front of my classroom door: "incarcerate" is a permanent vocab word here. control, be advised, classroom 4 is the bestest of them all.

a side note - the history of the cat dress...

I first saw this print on this post on the bleubird vintage blog. I fell in love. so of course I followed her link to the creator, leah reena goren, and the beautiful cat dress - but alas, it was super duper expensive. $180 was a bit out of my price range. it has always remained on my most wanted list, but an actual purchase seemed frivolous. fastfoward to last week...when I saw a dress with the exact print on it at anthropologie on black friday I almost fell over. anthro had it originally retailing for $148. I found it on the sale rack for... wait for it... $19.95 (double marked down from $79). did I mention it was black friday? oh yea - there was an extra 25% off... so yea, I got that $148 dress for $14.95. yes, yes I did.

so excited in the dressing room at anthro on black friday.


sometimes I look like an adult

here's the way it went today...

from down the hallway a co-worker proclaimed: "Why! Don't you look so professional today! The skirt...and the boots... it looks like you have a meeting to go to!"

as if I look like a hobo every other day... oh, wait, no... a 16-year-old.

if only she could have seen the cats on my shirt. yes, those are cats. and neon orange tights.

stay tuned.


I swear this is normal.

when my husband saw me this morning he said, "uhhh, I don't think that outfit is going to do much for your dressing-like-you're-16 image..."


but for the record, I didn't wear this outfit on purpose to keep up the image. in fact, I wore this same exact outfit for thanksgiving - which may be weird in and of itself. it made me think of how a few weeks ago another student said to me that she wishes she could see me on the outside (meaning like in real life - on the bricks. because I work in a residential detention center...) so she could see how I dress. I was like, um, this is how I dress! she found that kind of funny.

but really, this is it. I can't help it. it's my style, yo.

this is a pic I took on thanksgiving and posted on my friend's fb wall to show her that I had bought a pair of leggings that we had discussed from target... and yes, in the juniors section...

today, in my classroom by my "almost dead plants" corner. giving you a 16-ish smirk.


"miss, why do you always dress like you're 16?"

yesterday I bought a super cute grey sweater with a black swallow on the front...

...from the juniors section at target...

honestly, I don't even pay attention to what section I'm shopping in. if I like something and looks good, I buy it. so when one of my students asked me today why I seem to always dress like I'm a 16-year-old girl, I couldn't help but laugh at first... but then I really started to think about it.

my first reaction was to sarcastically tell her that it was because I am eternally 16 in my heart. then I asked her (in all seriousness) if she thought I was trying too hard. my biggest fear would be to end up like one of those 60-year-old women trying to look 16. she assured me that no, it didn't look like I was actually trying at all. she said it looked natural and cute. hmm, ok, she was just making an observation. still, I had to really think about what she said.

there is a part of me that I do really feel like arrested at age 16. in some ways it was one of the freest and most organic creative periods in my life. I had friends and was writing like crazy and didn't have an insecure bone in my body. I never had body issues - ever! - in high school. I had boyfriends, but not in like a slutty way. I was a normal weight for my height and not chunky or flabby or anything. and I wasn't a stick either. anyway, I'm not saying all of this to say how awesome I was or something - I had my fair share of problems. doesn't everyone? I guess my point is that it was a very carefree time for me outside of my home life - which sucked, but that's a whole other thing. I had so many positive teacher-role models during that time that it inspired me to want to become a teacher myself - not because I love education or english (though I do!) but because I wanted to be what those teachers were to me for my own students.

I digress... I am glad that I am seen by my students as someone who is young at heart. I'm not their friend and they don't treat me like I am. but they also trust me and respect me. well, most of them that is! most of all, I'm glad she didn't say I looked like I was trying too hard. ha!

me in my crazy classroom with today's vocab.


vlog2vote: go vote people!

I know it's been a while. I promise I have lots of blogs in my head. I will write soon. (I know, I say this a lot... but I mean it this time!)

in the mean time, please enjoy this vlog about voting and how easy it is.


poem: psyche eval

well, hello there!

I know, it's been a while. in all honesty I have been insanely and intensely busy - between working my regular full-time job and then almost working full-time at my second part-time job and doing the yoga teacher training program and then like everything else in life, I have little time for blogging. there have been many times when I've wanted to sit and write - if for nothing else just to do the practice of it. but also to update you on everything that has been going on in terms of my mental and spiritual health. right now, though, I am exhausted. I spent thursday and friday of this week joyously skipping through the geraldine dodge poetry festival (something I want to write about) and then yesterday evening and all day today at my yoga teacher training. but I've had this poem in my head for the past few days and just had to set it free. I'm quite pleased with it, and since it is ample time that I shared something, I figured this was perfect timing. I hope you enjoy.


psyche eval

it’s not so much
that I walked in
wanting to taper off
and walked out
with a new script
for a drug
that boasts
its ability
to make users

and it’s not so much
that she asked me
if I had one hundred dollars
and then spent seven
how much would I have left?
and then asked
if I spent seven more
how much would I have then –
the latter of which
I struggled to answer.

it’s not even how
she stole
two hours
of my existence.

but instead
it is how
she asked me to remember
three simple
that she would later ask me to recite
from memory.

it is not that either.
it is that she did not ask me to recall them,
even after I repeated them in my mind
over and over
while she was talking to me
about things I don’t know
because I wasn’t listening
because I was reciting
the three things
and over
and over
so that when I was called upon
I would be able to tell her
so she would not think
I was crazy.
so she would not think
I needed those drugs.
so she would not think
I was something less.

maybe it is not
so much that she didn’t ask
me to recall them
that makes my now
informally diagnosed
bipolar brain
feel itchy with static.
but how
for the three days since
I have been repeating
those things still:

blue hat.
twenty-four chestnut street.
red camaro.


sri vyasa puja 2012

yesterday was my guru's birthday. we had a lovely intimate celebration in his honor. a friend said to me today that it was brave of me to write and read this offering in front of so many people, especially considering everything that has been going on with me lately. I don't know about it being so brave - I mean, yea, I guess. I always write and speak from my heart, which is why I almost always cry. I didn't actually shed tears this year - but my heart was racing a million miles a minute and I felt like I was going to have a panic attack while I was reading it. it took me a good ten minutes to stop shaking. as you'll see from my first sentence, I really didn't know what to say, but somehow the right words came. when I was finished and as I was walking away, maharaj called my name and then told me I must be getting some mercy because I was there (meaning at vyasa puja) and had written such a nice offering. I'm just glad he liked it and felt the sincerity of my words.

Dearest Srila Guru Maharaj,
Please accept my obeisances. All glories to Srila Prabhupada. All glories to you.

Honestly, I have no idea what to say. Since this time last year my Krishna-consciousness has taken a swift nosedive and has left me battered and bruised to say the least. I recently read a quote where you said: “We think that our practice is weak because of a lack of time, when in fact it is weak because of a lack of taste.” This couldn’t be more true in my circumstance. Despite your kindness, compassion, understanding, and guidance my mind and desires have pulled me farther away from you and Krishna than I have ever been. And although you know that I have no taste for this process, you still try to engage me in your service to guru and Krishna – even if it is just simple editing or holding a bag for you. Isn’t it a shame that I am such an ungrateful jerk that while you try to pull me up, all I can do is throw myself back onto the ground? What can I offer you other than an apology – for breaking my vows, for turning away from you and Krishna, for being an embarrassment to you and Srila Prabhupada…and, I am sure, a multitude of other offenses.

In fact, I am so selfish that on this day, when I am supposed to be praising you, I am going to instead beg you to please pray for me – to please ask your Giriraj to somehow save me and keep me engaged in your service. You are my one and only connection to the shelter of Krishna’s lotus feet. Without you I have nothing. Please, Guru Maharaj, don’t give up on me yet.

Praying to always be your servant,
Kadamba Mala devi dasi


on the cusp

I have been waiting for this for what seems like forever - tonight I wrote a new poem. nothing mind blowing or crazy - just simple. but it felt so good, like a release. it is the second poem I have written in my head after a yoga class while in savasana (you can find the first savasana poem here - it's the one I won second place with!). what is it about a good yoga class that opens up the creative flow? I'm not sure - but I'm looking forward to the next ten months to see where my writing goes...

on the cusp

it is supposed to be
like I am dead -
limp flesh
melting into the floor.
in the stillness
I hear the crisp
yet fading sounds
of cicadas.
seasons change,
I am somewhere
in the space between.


the color run: 40/40, do a 5k - check!

a while back I made this list of forty things to complete before I turn forty...oh and I also made a list of things I wanted to accomplish by the end of this year (a resolution list of sorts), which was inspired by my 40/40 list. I'm not really advertising this list of things anymore because I'm pretty positive that I won't complete most of it (I'm so optimistic!). but today I actually did one of them, and it was so freaking awesome!! I participated in the color run 5k... so 40/40, number 14 is checked off and done!! here are some highlights of the day...

on my way to meet my team - went retro for my hair/makeup

most of our team before

at the yellow color station - I did not envy the volunteer color throwers!

ecstatic symptoms at the pink color station!

the after-party was holi-india-style!



like going home

sri sri radha govinda, brooklyn, ny

when I was growing up I couldn't wait to be old enough to move out on my own. home never felt like home to me. once I did move out after high school I never lived in one place for longer than a year - and there were some places I lived in for less than that. I hopped from apartment to apartment and even bought a house along the way (which I ended up selling the next year). even the house (condo) I live in now was never meant to be a long-term place - it was intended to be a transitional space until we could afford to buy something bigger - a plan that was hatched before the real estate market crashed. no where I have ever lived has felt like home to me - with the exception of one place: 305 schermerhorn street, brooklyn, ny. sri sri radha-govinda mandir.

granted, I only lived there for like six months - hell, it could have even been less than that. it was so long ago I don't even remember. but what I do remember is living in my little blue room and feeling like I was finally home. when I left my short-lived life as a faux-brahmacarini and moved to north carolina (another move that was very short) I cried and cried because I missed radha-govinda so much - not because I was such a pure devotee that I was that attached to krishna, but... I don't know. just because I loved them so freaking much. it's kind of hard to explain.

when we moved from north jersey down to the oc (as I lovingly refer to ocean county), driving to brooklyn every week for the sunday feast became impractical - the distance, the traffic, it was all just too much...we go very rarely. up until this last sunday it had been over a year since I saw radha-govindaji face-to-face...

have you ever had a friend that you were super close with and then lost touch and then reconnected with and when you reconnected it was like no time had gone by at all? that's what going to the temple was like. it was like I had just been there the week before. it was like a warm hug. a beautiful embrace. 

I know that my commitment to and practice of bhakti yoga via krishna consciousness has been shaky to say the least, but that doesn't change my heart, my love for krishna. and maybe that love isn't pure or it's covered in dust or whatever, but I still feel it and there is a big part of me that wants to clean it, fix it... heal it. 

I'd like to think that radha-govinda see me struggling and are forgiving me for all of the offenses I've made and are trying to help me. maybe I'm just making that up. I don't know. but it feels nice to imagine it that way...


saturday in pictures [instagram]

today we went to a kirtan at our friends premarnava and saibya's house. then we all took a nap in the car. then we came inside and lounged around. I also cleaned out my coat closet and took a hot bath. I didn't take too many photos, but I'm including a little video for your viewing pleasure...


yoga, day 6, and dogshaming

remember that thing I said yesterday that I was only 99.9% sure about? well now I'm 100%. starting in september I will embark on the journey of becoming a certified yoga instructor. I'll be taking a 200 hour training course offered through kula-kamala-yoga.

ok, now wait right there. I know what you're thinking (or at least this is what I think you're thinking... and isn't that all that's important?!), "oh, just another one jumping on the 'becoming a yoga teacher' bandwagon." but honestly, I'm not even so much in it to teach. part of me is and another part of me can't picture myself actually teaching a class. my real intention is to develop and deepen my own personal practice and use the physical act of yoga to reconnect/develop spiritually. you're probably also thinking why don't I just do yoga at home? or just go to classes? why do an intensive, time consuming, and expensive teacher training program. honestly, the biggest reason is because I'm lazy. what I know about myself is that if I dedicate myself to this type of program and accept a real yoga teacher (like in the guru sense) I will for sure do it. if I just leave myself to my own devices, I'll give up, or get lazy, or get discouraged, or whatever.

the thing that I really love about this particular studio and program is that the focus is on the individual's development through the study - about finding balance and peace. and most of all the main teacher of the program is very familiar with bhakti-yoga - the philosophy that is, more or less, krishna consciousness.

I could go on and on, but you know, I haven't eaten in six days, so I'm going to go zone out and try not to think about popcorn and pizza and crackers and cheese and...oh, um, right...

oh, one last thing... this morning jd and I were watching the today show and they featured this tumblr called dogshaming. this is one of the funniest things I've seen in a long time. you know I had to get on the bandwagon, right? so I'll leave you with this image...


bpc day five, or holy crap I haven't eaten in five days...

yea. you read that right. I haven't eaten any solid food in five...FIVE days.

so far I really love the blueprint cleanse. it's way easier than the master cleanse, like hands-down. I've definitely been through some ups and downs. mostly though, I feel totally fine and normal. in fact, I just realized that the initial headachey feeling that I had has been gone for a while. but I won't lie to you - I get hungry. and cranky. but that's usually mid-day. in the morning I seem to be fine and in the evening too - like right now I'm not really hungry. and an hour or so ago I had a burst of energy and was cleaning and hanging pictures and crazy stuff like that. and sure, I'd rather be eating and I can't wait for my first real meal... and I miss pizza like the deserts miss the rain...but it's all temporary. I'm planning to be drinking the juice until thursday. I counted how much juice I have left and I should only be one juice short. so I was thinking maybe I'll have a light vegetable soup for dinner on thursday. but we'll see.

oh, and I wanted to mention, also that I've been feeling much much better emotionally/mentally. I hope that this kind of stable-ness that I'm feeling lasts. it kind of feels good.

oh! and I'm 99.9% positive that I'm about to embark on a very exciting new journey, but I don't want to speak too soon, so I'll let you know when it's 100% - hopefully tomorrow.

'aight, peace out.



I'm being lazy about blogging. sorry?

I'm just finishing up day three of my blueprint cleanse journey. so far so good. I've felt pretty good for the past three days. day one is always difficult, of course, because it's an adjustment period and whatnot. I was super surprised by how much energy I had yesterday for day two. and today wasn't so bad either. I felt a little less energy and more hungry overall, but like I said, in general I'm workin' it.

I went and bought three(ish) more days of juices this morning. in my mind I had kind of already committed to doing a full ten days...until I realized how much it was going to cost. it's just way too expensive for me right now. but as of right now I feel like I'd be into doing the bpc again after I start getting paid in september. so I'll end up doing 6/7ish days (I have a little extra juice that might last me an additional day). I'm ok with that. though I am looking forward to chewing again... like anything... lettuce, tree bark, whatever.

ok, I got off my lazy butt and blogged. now it's time to get ready for a new episode of RHONJ. yea baby!

what I didn't have for dinner and what I did.



sorry this vlog ends somewhat abruptly - I had just woken up from accidentally falling asleep with gita and I think I was still a bit groggy. since the taping of the final clip I realized the cashew milk drink (the last one) is impossible for me to drink. the cinnamon flavor is just way to strong. I just cannot choke it down. it like physically made me shudder when I was drinking it. the most annoying part is that it's the most expensive of the drinks (at $10.99 a bottle). I remember reading in the bpc faqs that the cashew milk can be subbed with the spicy lemonade...so I'm kind of annoyed with myself that I didn't try this drink before because I could have saved myself a chunk of change. oh well. live and learn...


gearing up

that's a lot of freakin' juice!
so tomorrow is the big day. I'll be plunging head first into the blueprint cleanse. I won't go into too much detail about what it entails - you can check out the link and read up for yourself - but the idea is pretty simple: nothing but their juices. I'll be starting by doing three days of the renovation level. I figure by sunday I'll have a pretty good idea of how I'm doing with it and will decide then how much longer and  what level I'd like to do. I ended up buying my juice at whole food as opposed to ordering from bpc directly. ordering from them would cost me $75 a day - yes, you read that right, $75 a day. buying the juices from whole foods ($6.99-10.99 per bottle, depending on the flavor) ended up averaging $50 per day - so even though I have to drive out there (maybe spending $5-$10 in gas?) I'm still saving about $25 a day. sure, if I was super ambitious I could make all of these juices myself - there are plenty of blackmarket recipes for this cleanse out there... but I'm not ambitious. I'm lazy as hell.

I've been feeling insanely fat and bloated. I don't know how much if it is my eating and how much of it is potentially the zoloft - but I don't care. I feel intensely motivated to cleanse and lose some freaking weight. I know by day two/three when I see some pounds dropped, I'll be even more motivated - even though I know it's going to be super hard. no pain, no gain.

maybe the new love of my life will remove my detox obstacles?? (I had to find a way to get this picture into this post!)

I love him! tiny ganesh on my wrist, by tom yak of electric tattoo


things that bother me that surely should not

in retrospect, everything about this photo cracks me up.

sometimes I get annoyed/bent-out-of-shape/peeved - whatever you want to call it - over the dumbest things. and the worst is when it's stuff that has nothing to do with my over all life.

I had a nice day today hanging out with an old friend, laughing at the movies and eating until I felt like I was going to vomit.

but my mood is so delicate it seems. one little mis-step and I'm in a funk. I feel a little bit better at the moment, but in thinking about how easily I am swayed from happiness to distress I realized how dumb I can be sometimes about the things that get my goat (yes, I'm trying to see how many different ways I can say that... ha!).

I was going to actually make a list of things that rattle my cage, but then I thought to myself - isn't the point of this post to point out how ridiculous it is that I get annoyed by dumb things? so yes, I'm going to skip that debby downer list. for now, why don't you just meditate on that insane picture of theresa guidice dressed in a bird costume.



this is long and boring. just thought I should warn you.


here I am

have you ever taken a bath and stayed in the tub while the water drains?

imagine that feeling - the gravity pull of the water as it is sucked into the pipes - that rooted feeling, like a suction cup on a window that wants to pop.

sometimes that is how my sadness feels. like an empty pull. I feel it in my chest and in my throat. I feel it in my limbs and bendable places.

sometimes jd will ask me if I'm ok and all I can answer is I don't feel good. it is getting to the point now where he understands without any further explanation that this doesn't mean I have a sore throat or a headache.

last night before I let myself into sleep I was crying. after I gave my usual I don't feel good answer to jd he asked me why I was so sad. I started to answer that I didn't know (this is also sometimes a standard answer - and it is honest, sometimes I really don't know). but then I said, I just keep thinking 'I want to go home.' I feel so homesick and I don't even know what that means. I am home! but that is exactly what it felt like - the empty sadness of being far away from home. if you ever slept away from home as a kid, you certainly know this feeling. the longing and aching to be in a place of comfort, somewhere you know where you feel safe and secure. that's how my sadness feels so much of the time. and it makes absolutely no sense.

but just so you know, despite this post I have actually been feeling a bit better. I've been feeling over the last few days like my mood and emotions have been leveling off a bit since the viibryd/zoloft switch. what I've come to suspect is that the anti-depressants aren't helping with my PMDD. I don't know if I ever mentioned that I also have that - it took me a long time to recognize that the crazy emotions I go through before menstruating/ovulating weren't normal. my suspicion is that that's why I was crying on my vlog two weeks ago (right before my period) and that's why I was crying and so tired yesterday (ovulating). I'm sorry if this is all too much info, but recognizing patterns like this is really helping me to understand where a lot of unexplainable feelings are coming from.

I also (somewhat) haven't been so tired lately. when I first started taking the zoloft I was taking it in the morning and about two hours in I would be narcoleptic tired - like barely able to function/stay awake. I've been taking it at night for a few days and it's really seemed to help - both my sleeping at night and staying awake during the day. part of me still feels exhausted a good deal of the time. but I don't know how much of that is physical exhaustion versus mental exhaustion. I'm too tired to even think about it. ha!


my yellow wallpaper

sometimes I get stuck - sitting in a chair at work. laying in bed. in my bathtub. in a hug. I can't move. I am there and I am stuck. I think: I can not get up. I can not move. it's so much easier to stay just like this.

other times I can't stop moving. I drive slowly so it will last longer (or because I don't have the energy to push my foot down farther on the gas - but that's a different story...). I drive fast because I can't feel the speed. I clean. I laugh. I walk. I go.

but mostly I like to have my eyes closed. I close them to shut everything out. I close them to hide. I close them and I think to myself that if I keep them closed somehow everything on the other side of my eyelids will somehow disappear. that somehow the pain and the emptiness and the longing will no longer exist. that maybe somehow I will no longer exist.

after staring for several hours at this birdcage with a lampshade on it and subsequently feeling very agitated by it, I came to the conclusion that it is my yellow wallpaper. if you don't get the reference or understand my weird correlation, don't worry. it's not that big of a deal.


the old switch-er-rooo

as you might have witnessed on my vlog this past friday, things have been a little up and down for me emotionally since dropping my dose of viibryd from 30mg to 20mg. well - my emo-ness was assumed to be from the drop in dosage, but I suspect now that hormones may have been playing a bit of a role as well - since my womanly time started on sunday (I know, tmi...). anywho, today was switchy-switch day. I dropped the viibryd and am now taking 50mg of zoloft (the lowest dose).

the day started off ok. I was a little cranky when I woke up, but that was before I had eaten or taken anything at all. I ate my cereal and perused the little zolft pamphlet for possible side effects....possible weight loss, possible increase in appetite (?!), long-term erections...blahblahblah.  I had plans and goals for the day...long walk before it got too hot (I was still sweating!)...clean out my car...plant half-dead flowers (finally!)...pack for trip...clean house... nothing too stressful. so I got all of my dirty work done and got in the shower around 1pm. I had really been feeling ok, relatively normal and whatnot and then, all of a sudden... I'm doing my washing and finishing up my shower business when I felt this overwhelming need to sit down. in the shower. with the water running. so I kind of crouched down and rested my head against the tub and I kind of started crying. and I was thinking to myself, wtf?! like, seriously, what's going on? c'mon girl, stand up. you're starting to lose feeling in your ankles and feet (because I was crouching weird)! so after like two minutes I stood up and almost immediately was again overcome with a sense that I must sit down. not because I felt like I was going to pass out, but because I felt like that was what I needed to do right then and there. and then there I was, on the floor of the tub, in the middle of the shower, sitting - sobbing uncontrollably. and all I kept thinking was how I could not stand up. like I was thinking, stand up! and then I would think, (sobsob) I can't stand up!

I have to say, this did not completely feel like one of my normal panic attacks. I didn't have any weird feeling in my chest like I usually get. and it wasn't triggered by anything - which they usually are. I can't even really remember what I was thinking about right before it happened. it was just like a normal shower... shampoo, condition, shave legs, wash with soap, wash face, rinse, get out... except I didn't get out. I sat down. and cried. a lot.

I finally got myself to call out for my husband because I didn't know what else to do - oh, I forgot to mention too how I wasn't opening my eyes. don't ask me what that was about. but for a second I remember thinking how with my eyes closed I was in a different world - and once I opened them I would be back in the regular world (umm, what?!).

so my husband finally came in and asked me what was going on and he asked if I was having a panic attack, and at that point it hadn't even occurred to me that that was what was going on. gita was flipping out behind him so he couldn't really sit with me. all he said was, "come on, honey, get up. I'll take care of you." but he said it in such a soothing way that I thought all I had to do was just get up...

I took some serious deep breaths. and then more. and then I thought to myself that if I opened my eyes and didn't think about what was going on, I could just go on with my day. and then it just started to subside. I mean, don't get me wrong. I'm pretty sure I could have sat under that stream of water in the bottom of my tub all freaking day....

the rest of the day was a little shot though. I got up and out of the shower and got myself dressed and then realized that if I didn't talk about the panic attack out-loud then it would stay under the surface. and for about an hour afterwards I felt very much on the verge of crying. and then I was just tired. like turn out the lights, shut the curtains, don't bother me tired. I was all, oh, I'm just going to close my eyes for a minute... and then I was out for a good 45. I've kind of just been in a bit of a fog since then.

I'm not really sure what the point of me telling you this story would be... I guess because it was my weird moment of the day... or because I just need to get stuff like this out... I don't know. I don't know what the point of much is nowadays...

um, so, yea... I think I should go to sleep now....


push through

I heard this somewhere once and decided to make it into a little visual quote thing. these little visual quote things are pretty popular over the old internet, so I thought, heck, why can't I make one? so I took one of my old images and put my favorite font on it. ok, it's kind of poorly designed and ugly, but I like it all the same.
this little saying give me hope... just push through...


saturday in pictures [instagram]

I did a lot of nothing today. I woke up sad and tired. I couldn't get out of bed. I woke up, fell back asleep, woke up again, and so on. it took all of my willpower to get up. I took a few walks. I watched tv. I breathed. some days that's plenty.

curtains closed.

the wake-up crew

didn't roll out of bed until almost 11. and if you ever wondered what I look like first thing in the morning... eek!

first walk of the day was right before the first storm. light rain, wind, continuous rolling thunder. kind of relaxing.

tea, tv, and new polka-dot shorts

stuffed kitty-cat score

last walk of the day, puddle self-portrait

everything lush and green

close the night with the blog.


friday vlog

sometimes I go into making a vlog with a plan in mind and sometimes I don't. I had an idea what I wanted to talk about tonight... and I kind of did... but the unexpected emotion that came up kind of threw me off track. so I realize that this is mostly me rambling. and saying "strange" and "weird" a lot.


putting it to bed

I couldn't think of a good picture to use for this post... so a sleeping baby gita works,  right?

a few days ago I had the brilliant idea of writing a post about the idea of "blooping" from being a hare krishna devotee and talking about what that means in relative terms. since then I have learned that the word "bloop" is outdated and offensive and silly. well, I always knew it was offensive and silly... anyway, I have also come to the point where I kind of don't care anymore. let me say again that I truly appreciate all of the fb comments and private messages and emails that I have received from some of you. it feels good to know so many people care and that other people appreciate my need for (relatively) full disclosure. let me clarify a few things...

* my original post about the four regulative principles and chanting was not meant to criticize the process. I believe, to some extent, in the vaisnava (more or less hare krishna) philosophy at its core and understand why srila prabhupada, the founder of the ISKCON movement, put those rules in place back in the 1960s. I also understand that some people may still believe in the process that srila prabhupada put into place and practice it because it works for them. my point was that it doesn't (or hasn't up until this point) worked for me. and it was deeply depressing and frustrating to me to continue working that process and feeling like I was constantly beating a dead horse. not one process will work for every person. I need to find the process that's right for me - but more importantly I must be ready for that. in my heart of hearts I am praying that this process - or something very similar to this process - will work for me one day...whether that means in 6 months or 10 years or on my death bed, I don't know. but I want very badly to love krishna in a sincere way.

* I don't need to be preached to. listen, with all due respect, I've heard 99% of it before. and the only reason I say 99% is because I'm sure there's something I haven't heard before, but I doubt it will make a difference at this point. I'm ok with where I'm at in some sense. part of me isn't, but I think that part of me is still deeply searching for my *self* and to know what all of this insanity means. and by insanity I mean like everything in my life.

* I still think of myself, to an extent, as a devotee of krishna. I left ISKCON a long time ago when my guru did. I was happy to. the GBC never made sense to me and I didn't like these men (whose qualifications to rule my decisions in life were...?) telling me what I could and couldn't do (no chocolate, um, puh-lease!). but people who think I'm not a devotee because I don't chant or because I drink on occasion need to seriously 1. look in the mirror and 2. question what it means to actually BE a devotee. do I have a definitive answer for what is means to be a devotee? no, but I know that indulging in certain things doesn't disqualify a person. so if you see me at a class or a festival please don't think it's weird. and yes, I'll probably even wear a sari. and a bindi. yep.

* I'm an adult and I make my own decisions. there's this thing that my students say... "I do what I want when I want. don't tell me what to do." yes, that's very immature, but let's face it, some (most?) people are oppositional by nature. if you tell me what to do I am most likely going to get the urge to do the exact opposite. I like to learn things my way, which is often the hard way. I've been like that my whole life and I've come to accept it. I think it's ok to learn our own lessons.

at this point I'm kind of sick of the whole topic. I don't need anyone to feel sorry for me or try to convince me that drinking is evil and wrong or whatever. I'm a big girl. really. so for now I'd like to put this topic to rest and go back to talking about my mundane nonsense. goodnight.