like going home

sri sri radha govinda, brooklyn, ny

when I was growing up I couldn't wait to be old enough to move out on my own. home never felt like home to me. once I did move out after high school I never lived in one place for longer than a year - and there were some places I lived in for less than that. I hopped from apartment to apartment and even bought a house along the way (which I ended up selling the next year). even the house (condo) I live in now was never meant to be a long-term place - it was intended to be a transitional space until we could afford to buy something bigger - a plan that was hatched before the real estate market crashed. no where I have ever lived has felt like home to me - with the exception of one place: 305 schermerhorn street, brooklyn, ny. sri sri radha-govinda mandir.

granted, I only lived there for like six months - hell, it could have even been less than that. it was so long ago I don't even remember. but what I do remember is living in my little blue room and feeling like I was finally home. when I left my short-lived life as a faux-brahmacarini and moved to north carolina (another move that was very short) I cried and cried because I missed radha-govinda so much - not because I was such a pure devotee that I was that attached to krishna, but... I don't know. just because I loved them so freaking much. it's kind of hard to explain.

when we moved from north jersey down to the oc (as I lovingly refer to ocean county), driving to brooklyn every week for the sunday feast became impractical - the distance, the traffic, it was all just too much...we go very rarely. up until this last sunday it had been over a year since I saw radha-govindaji face-to-face...

have you ever had a friend that you were super close with and then lost touch and then reconnected with and when you reconnected it was like no time had gone by at all? that's what going to the temple was like. it was like I had just been there the week before. it was like a warm hug. a beautiful embrace. 

I know that my commitment to and practice of bhakti yoga via krishna consciousness has been shaky to say the least, but that doesn't change my heart, my love for krishna. and maybe that love isn't pure or it's covered in dust or whatever, but I still feel it and there is a big part of me that wants to clean it, fix it... heal it. 

I'd like to think that radha-govinda see me struggling and are forgiving me for all of the offenses I've made and are trying to help me. maybe I'm just making that up. I don't know. but it feels nice to imagine it that way...


saturday in pictures [instagram]

today we went to a kirtan at our friends premarnava and saibya's house. then we all took a nap in the car. then we came inside and lounged around. I also cleaned out my coat closet and took a hot bath. I didn't take too many photos, but I'm including a little video for your viewing pleasure...


yoga, day 6, and dogshaming

remember that thing I said yesterday that I was only 99.9% sure about? well now I'm 100%. starting in september I will embark on the journey of becoming a certified yoga instructor. I'll be taking a 200 hour training course offered through kula-kamala-yoga.

ok, now wait right there. I know what you're thinking (or at least this is what I think you're thinking... and isn't that all that's important?!), "oh, just another one jumping on the 'becoming a yoga teacher' bandwagon." but honestly, I'm not even so much in it to teach. part of me is and another part of me can't picture myself actually teaching a class. my real intention is to develop and deepen my own personal practice and use the physical act of yoga to reconnect/develop spiritually. you're probably also thinking why don't I just do yoga at home? or just go to classes? why do an intensive, time consuming, and expensive teacher training program. honestly, the biggest reason is because I'm lazy. what I know about myself is that if I dedicate myself to this type of program and accept a real yoga teacher (like in the guru sense) I will for sure do it. if I just leave myself to my own devices, I'll give up, or get lazy, or get discouraged, or whatever.

the thing that I really love about this particular studio and program is that the focus is on the individual's development through the study - about finding balance and peace. and most of all the main teacher of the program is very familiar with bhakti-yoga - the philosophy that is, more or less, krishna consciousness.

I could go on and on, but you know, I haven't eaten in six days, so I'm going to go zone out and try not to think about popcorn and pizza and crackers and cheese and...oh, um, right...

oh, one last thing... this morning jd and I were watching the today show and they featured this tumblr called dogshaming. this is one of the funniest things I've seen in a long time. you know I had to get on the bandwagon, right? so I'll leave you with this image...


bpc day five, or holy crap I haven't eaten in five days...

yea. you read that right. I haven't eaten any solid food in five...FIVE days.

so far I really love the blueprint cleanse. it's way easier than the master cleanse, like hands-down. I've definitely been through some ups and downs. mostly though, I feel totally fine and normal. in fact, I just realized that the initial headachey feeling that I had has been gone for a while. but I won't lie to you - I get hungry. and cranky. but that's usually mid-day. in the morning I seem to be fine and in the evening too - like right now I'm not really hungry. and an hour or so ago I had a burst of energy and was cleaning and hanging pictures and crazy stuff like that. and sure, I'd rather be eating and I can't wait for my first real meal... and I miss pizza like the deserts miss the rain...but it's all temporary. I'm planning to be drinking the juice until thursday. I counted how much juice I have left and I should only be one juice short. so I was thinking maybe I'll have a light vegetable soup for dinner on thursday. but we'll see.

oh, and I wanted to mention, also that I've been feeling much much better emotionally/mentally. I hope that this kind of stable-ness that I'm feeling lasts. it kind of feels good.

oh! and I'm 99.9% positive that I'm about to embark on a very exciting new journey, but I don't want to speak too soon, so I'll let you know when it's 100% - hopefully tomorrow.

'aight, peace out.



I'm being lazy about blogging. sorry?

I'm just finishing up day three of my blueprint cleanse journey. so far so good. I've felt pretty good for the past three days. day one is always difficult, of course, because it's an adjustment period and whatnot. I was super surprised by how much energy I had yesterday for day two. and today wasn't so bad either. I felt a little less energy and more hungry overall, but like I said, in general I'm workin' it.

I went and bought three(ish) more days of juices this morning. in my mind I had kind of already committed to doing a full ten days...until I realized how much it was going to cost. it's just way too expensive for me right now. but as of right now I feel like I'd be into doing the bpc again after I start getting paid in september. so I'll end up doing 6/7ish days (I have a little extra juice that might last me an additional day). I'm ok with that. though I am looking forward to chewing again... like anything... lettuce, tree bark, whatever.

ok, I got off my lazy butt and blogged. now it's time to get ready for a new episode of RHONJ. yea baby!

what I didn't have for dinner and what I did.



sorry this vlog ends somewhat abruptly - I had just woken up from accidentally falling asleep with gita and I think I was still a bit groggy. since the taping of the final clip I realized the cashew milk drink (the last one) is impossible for me to drink. the cinnamon flavor is just way to strong. I just cannot choke it down. it like physically made me shudder when I was drinking it. the most annoying part is that it's the most expensive of the drinks (at $10.99 a bottle). I remember reading in the bpc faqs that the cashew milk can be subbed with the spicy lemonade...so I'm kind of annoyed with myself that I didn't try this drink before because I could have saved myself a chunk of change. oh well. live and learn...


gearing up

that's a lot of freakin' juice!
so tomorrow is the big day. I'll be plunging head first into the blueprint cleanse. I won't go into too much detail about what it entails - you can check out the link and read up for yourself - but the idea is pretty simple: nothing but their juices. I'll be starting by doing three days of the renovation level. I figure by sunday I'll have a pretty good idea of how I'm doing with it and will decide then how much longer and  what level I'd like to do. I ended up buying my juice at whole food as opposed to ordering from bpc directly. ordering from them would cost me $75 a day - yes, you read that right, $75 a day. buying the juices from whole foods ($6.99-10.99 per bottle, depending on the flavor) ended up averaging $50 per day - so even though I have to drive out there (maybe spending $5-$10 in gas?) I'm still saving about $25 a day. sure, if I was super ambitious I could make all of these juices myself - there are plenty of blackmarket recipes for this cleanse out there... but I'm not ambitious. I'm lazy as hell.

I've been feeling insanely fat and bloated. I don't know how much if it is my eating and how much of it is potentially the zoloft - but I don't care. I feel intensely motivated to cleanse and lose some freaking weight. I know by day two/three when I see some pounds dropped, I'll be even more motivated - even though I know it's going to be super hard. no pain, no gain.

maybe the new love of my life will remove my detox obstacles?? (I had to find a way to get this picture into this post!)

I love him! tiny ganesh on my wrist, by tom yak of electric tattoo


things that bother me that surely should not

in retrospect, everything about this photo cracks me up.

sometimes I get annoyed/bent-out-of-shape/peeved - whatever you want to call it - over the dumbest things. and the worst is when it's stuff that has nothing to do with my over all life.

I had a nice day today hanging out with an old friend, laughing at the movies and eating until I felt like I was going to vomit.

but my mood is so delicate it seems. one little mis-step and I'm in a funk. I feel a little bit better at the moment, but in thinking about how easily I am swayed from happiness to distress I realized how dumb I can be sometimes about the things that get my goat (yes, I'm trying to see how many different ways I can say that... ha!).

I was going to actually make a list of things that rattle my cage, but then I thought to myself - isn't the point of this post to point out how ridiculous it is that I get annoyed by dumb things? so yes, I'm going to skip that debby downer list. for now, why don't you just meditate on that insane picture of theresa guidice dressed in a bird costume.



this is long and boring. just thought I should warn you.


here I am

have you ever taken a bath and stayed in the tub while the water drains?

imagine that feeling - the gravity pull of the water as it is sucked into the pipes - that rooted feeling, like a suction cup on a window that wants to pop.

sometimes that is how my sadness feels. like an empty pull. I feel it in my chest and in my throat. I feel it in my limbs and bendable places.

sometimes jd will ask me if I'm ok and all I can answer is I don't feel good. it is getting to the point now where he understands without any further explanation that this doesn't mean I have a sore throat or a headache.

last night before I let myself into sleep I was crying. after I gave my usual I don't feel good answer to jd he asked me why I was so sad. I started to answer that I didn't know (this is also sometimes a standard answer - and it is honest, sometimes I really don't know). but then I said, I just keep thinking 'I want to go home.' I feel so homesick and I don't even know what that means. I am home! but that is exactly what it felt like - the empty sadness of being far away from home. if you ever slept away from home as a kid, you certainly know this feeling. the longing and aching to be in a place of comfort, somewhere you know where you feel safe and secure. that's how my sadness feels so much of the time. and it makes absolutely no sense.

but just so you know, despite this post I have actually been feeling a bit better. I've been feeling over the last few days like my mood and emotions have been leveling off a bit since the viibryd/zoloft switch. what I've come to suspect is that the anti-depressants aren't helping with my PMDD. I don't know if I ever mentioned that I also have that - it took me a long time to recognize that the crazy emotions I go through before menstruating/ovulating weren't normal. my suspicion is that that's why I was crying on my vlog two weeks ago (right before my period) and that's why I was crying and so tired yesterday (ovulating). I'm sorry if this is all too much info, but recognizing patterns like this is really helping me to understand where a lot of unexplainable feelings are coming from.

I also (somewhat) haven't been so tired lately. when I first started taking the zoloft I was taking it in the morning and about two hours in I would be narcoleptic tired - like barely able to function/stay awake. I've been taking it at night for a few days and it's really seemed to help - both my sleeping at night and staying awake during the day. part of me still feels exhausted a good deal of the time. but I don't know how much of that is physical exhaustion versus mental exhaustion. I'm too tired to even think about it. ha!


my yellow wallpaper

sometimes I get stuck - sitting in a chair at work. laying in bed. in my bathtub. in a hug. I can't move. I am there and I am stuck. I think: I can not get up. I can not move. it's so much easier to stay just like this.

other times I can't stop moving. I drive slowly so it will last longer (or because I don't have the energy to push my foot down farther on the gas - but that's a different story...). I drive fast because I can't feel the speed. I clean. I laugh. I walk. I go.

but mostly I like to have my eyes closed. I close them to shut everything out. I close them to hide. I close them and I think to myself that if I keep them closed somehow everything on the other side of my eyelids will somehow disappear. that somehow the pain and the emptiness and the longing will no longer exist. that maybe somehow I will no longer exist.

after staring for several hours at this birdcage with a lampshade on it and subsequently feeling very agitated by it, I came to the conclusion that it is my yellow wallpaper. if you don't get the reference or understand my weird correlation, don't worry. it's not that big of a deal.