screw you, 2012.

hit play. then read on.

this year by kmala gutierrez on Grooveshark

I'm not going to sugar coat this...

2012 was indeed the worst year of my life. so all I have to say to dear old 2012 is good riddance. actually, I could think of a few other expletives that I'd like to use to describe 2012, but I probably shouldn't.

the next part of this electric gorilla's wise words was "BETTER"... as in everything will get better. so I'm trying to have faith that 2013 is going to be way better than 2012. but I'm not holding my breath. my astrologer says that my real golden age is coming when my rahu period starts in 2014. so yea, it might be a little while.

at any rate, my most bestest wishes to you and yours in the new year. I hope your 2013 is better than your 2012 - even if your 2012 rocked. because then your 2013 will be SUPER awesome. and you can't beat that.


2012 'to-do list' round-up

well hello there.

in a post at the beginning of this year I told you about how I don't do new year's resolutions. making any kind of plan/resolution/vow is usually a bad idea for me. I don't tend to stick to them for very long, if at all. so instead of making resolutions I made a "to-do" list of sorts. not that you care, but here is how I progressed on this list through out the year...

1. read the following books:
 -gone with the wind 
 -unaccostumed earth 
-her fearful symmetry     
-is everyone hanging out without me? 

ok, so I read unaccostumed earth and am in the middle of her fearful symmetry. actually, I've been in the middle of it for like four months. it's good, don't get me wrong, but it's not totally grabbing me. and since I started dong my yoga teacher training, I've been reading like five books at one time. I didn't read the other two. one and half is better than none.

2. learn to crochet for real

well, I learned how to do a granny square and made a bunch of them but it kind of pittered (wait, pittered? or puttered? what word am I even thinking of?!) out after a while. again, I'm so busy usually that I either don't have the time or energy for another hobby. sigh.

3. do the couch to 5k program. 

a person needs energy and time for such things. I tried to start it again (for like the third time I think) and then something weird happened to my foot and I lost my momentum. oh well.

4. do a 5k

totally done! check! you can see my whole post about it here. I can't wait to do the color run again next year. maybe I'll actually run it. ha!

5. make quilts for my ladies

totally didn't even come close to happening.

6. lose 15 lbs. 

this actually happened. and then I started having panic attacks and nervous breakdowns and went on a lot of dumbass medication and I gained all that shizzle back. it sucks. because now that I'm off my meds I get to try to lose it all again. I have a plan though. so yea, ya know. 

7. wean gita.

this was the most important item on the to-do list for me and it happened! thank you thank you thank you to my very patient, understanding, and dedicated husband! gita was officially weaned in april. I skeedaddled for three days and he withstood all kinds of torture and she was weaned. when I came home from my vacation in... um, toms river... she was pretty much totally over it. now she sleeps through the night and eats real people food (ok, sometimes she eats real people food... mostly she just snacks, but that's a totally other thing...). I think the main thing that we've gained from this, though, is that I don't really feel weird feelings of resentment toward her anymore. resentment isn't the right word, really, but when she was nursing our whole relationship centered around her doing just that - asking for milk all of the time. I was basically her milk machine. now we can just chill and hang out and play and stuff and none of that pressure is there. our whole relationship has been redefined and I'm so grateful for it.

so that's that. I've been contemplating a list for 2013. sigh. I don't know. is it even worth it? why bother? why not just do what I'm going to do and enjoy the ride? why pressure my self? yea, I don't know. I'm still thinking about it. stay tuned.


tonight I told my children I love them. and I meant it.

I tell my little ladies that I love them every day and every night. it's a habit at this point. I always mean it, but I don't always think about how I mean it. but tonight when I said it, I meant it.

I don't usually get super emotional over crappy, horrible, or tragic stuff in the news. sure, I was shocked and appalled at every mass-shooting that has happened over the years, but something about the shooting today in connecticut has just pierced my being. it didn't at first. when I saw the big red headline on the msn site this morning I didn't even click on it. then people at work started talking about it - so I read the article. I was shocked, appalled, and saddened, of course. I listened to a local station on the way home and heard stories about people picking up their kids and crying while waiting for them at the bus stop and how we should all hug our kids extra tight and all that. I still wasn't so phased though. it was still just sad.

tonight was my oldest daughter's holiday play at school. at first it was just another boring and torturous catholic school play. but then all these little kids were everywhere, singing and looking so innocent and cute. and then my daughter's class came out. and I saw her up on the stage and I just lost it. she was up there singing her little vaisnavi heart out about walking like Jesus or something or other, and I was in the back sobbing. I finally got myself together and then lost it again at the finale when all the kids were on the stage at once. those kids.

I can't imagine what the parents of those 18 (or whatever the tragic number is) dead children are going through. I don't want to imagine it.

all I can say is I got to tell my children I loved them tonight. and I was able to be in that moment and say it and mean it. and I am so grateful for it.