after a long time, some rambling.

humility is important. being humble, not living from the place of the ego... it's, like, essential to coming to a place of higher thinking. my struggle is balancing the "humble position" without going into self-deprication. for example, say I have a strained/distant friendship. my ego's first response is to be critical of the friend. to think/say bad things about how that person is a horrible friend, etc etc. so I get angry. but the anger eventually turns to sadness because I realize that it's ridiculous for me to point my finger at someone else for every little thing. it is higher for me to think, "what did I do to cause this? how could I have been a better friend?" but the slippery slope here (for me) is that I can so easily fall into, "ugh, I'm such a jerk. I always push people away. I'm a horrible and selfish person. I'm not a good friend. I don't even like me, why would someone else...?" as you can see, this can go on and on.

I wonder, sometimes, how much of this thought pattern is just karma. my astrologer told me once that in my past life everything came easily to me and that in this life everything is debilitated in such a way that I have to work harder... and even still some things won't come. that all feels kind of hopeless to be honest. but some part of me doesn't want to give up and just brush it off as "oh, just my karma! guess life sucks!"

I fight my mind every day. every hour, every minute, every second... every moment. it is never, ever quiet. and sometimes - most of the time - it feels like a losing battle. but I can't give up. because if I do, then where am I? what is my worth?