not even the unexpected.

I've been thinking a lot lately about what my problem is. I mean, duh, I have a lot of problems. I know that. but I mean the problem with why I get frustrated and stressed out so much. and I think I've got it. or maybe at least a big part of it.

I expect.

it's not even that expect too much. it's that I expect at all.

as a very elementary (but not necessarily real) example, if I say "Hi!" I expect a "Hi!" back.

and you see, this is the problem. because expecting leads directly to disappointment almost all of the time...for so many reasons.

first off, who am I to expect anything from anyone? as if I am somehow entitled to or owed something, anything, at all. I think, though, my expectations don't come from entitlement. because I never expect something, don't get it, and feel like what is due to me has not been delivered in like a toddler-tantrum kind of way. it's different. I almost feel like I don't know how to explain it.

maybe it is egotistical and narcissistic of me to think/say this, but I feel like I'm a giver. I'm not saying I'm not a taker. I do my fair share of taking. but more often than not, I give. and give. and give. and sometimes my giving feels more like a blood letting. like I'm not always handing candy out. sometimes mo'fos just snatch it right outta my bag. (ok, that was weird...)

it just gets draining I guess. doing, doing, doing. and I don't do things thinking to myself "oh, I'll get THIS in return." but when I get nothing after an extended period of time, I am absolutely worn thin and down to the bone. and I break. and the breaking isn't pretty. in fact, it's usually followed by ugly crying, which almost always leads to a few sties in my eyes (this is a new phenomena. every time I cry now I seem to get a sty. it's like my body is rejecting my one fulfilling release. I really can't win.). and the cycle seems never ending.

maybe this is the thing: if I do something for someone, a "thank you" would be nice. if someone hurts my feelings, intentional or not, just an acknowledgement would go a long way - I'm not even asking for an apology. just a freaking ACKNOWLEDGMENT.

that's it too. like, I'm here. I exist. I'm sorry if I expect people to act like human beings. I know, it's craziness. but I'm here. I'm a person. I have feelings. I see you. I see your feelings. I try hard, so very hard - harder than you can see or know - to be a good friend, wife, mother...a fucking human being. like I try to at the bare minimum to be a human being. is that crazy? is it crazy to want to be treated like one? that if you hand me a piece of paper and in my accepting it I accidentally get a paper-cut you simply say, "hey, I'm sorry! totally didn't mean that. I know, paper cuts can be the worst." it's really that simple.

but honestly, don't even expect the unexpected. because even that shit will disappoint the hell out of you.

tard also expects nothing. I, on the other-hand, totally expected people to notice the tigers on my shirt.
no one did. what was I thinking?
(photo by kate manna)


poem: poem for her, poem for self.

because sometimes I'm talking to you and my self at the same time.

poem for her, poem for self.

I see you
when you think
no one is looking,
and for a moment
all of the hurt
melts away.

in your face
I recognize
the sadness,
feel its depth,
know it
at its core -
like looking in a mirror,
I think to myself,
we are more the same
than different.

if only you’d stop
chasing your own tail,
stop running
towards what you
think you know
but don’t.
if only.