dear body

dear body,

I hate you. it's true and it needs to be said. but most people will think this is because of some body image problem or lack of self-worth issues. but no. let's be real here: you are just a bag of suffering. my neck hurts. my hamstrings hurt. the inside of right knee hurts. the bottom of my left foot hurts. I just ate some crappy food and my stomach feels gross. I have hemorrhoids (yea, tmi, I know)... need I say more about that? my cuticles are peeling. my leg hair won't stop growing. my cervix could be growing a giant tumor at this very moment that will kill you! so much suffering in one tiny, tiny package. and all for what? to be here in this crap-tastical material world to enjoy?! enjoy what? where? yoohoo, enjoyment!! where are you?! marco! hurlo!?


I guess it's a good thing that I am not you, dear body. but with all of the time we spend together, you could have fooled me. I try to take care of you the best I can, but you often betray me with all of these aches and pains. give a girl a break every once and a while, eh?

I'm trying not to be mad at you, because, after all, you're just a body. but still. stop being such a hater. chill out a little.




compassion is a general principle in yoga. it is especially emphasized as a quality of a vaisnava/devotee of krishna. among the twenty-six qualities of a devotee, compassion is named by itself, but can also be noted in other qualities - such as the first: "he is kind to everyone". I found myself thinking about this just a bit ago when one of my neighbors popped into my head. and I was thinking all kinds of judgmental thoughts about her and then I was like, "why is it so hard for me to be compassionate towards certain people?!" I don't have an answer to that question. but I thought maybe I would make myself a list of people that I find it most difficult to be compassionate towards in an effort to somehow cultivate this quality within myself.

* the mother of the girl who bullied madhavi for two years, who is also now my neighbor.

* the girl who bullied madhavi for two years.

* my upstairs neighbors who have severe mental illnesses.

* a co-worker who is so socially inept that she doesn't have the capacity to understand the world outside of her own box.

* a co-worker who, for seemingly no reason that I've been able to figure out, purposefully "threw me under the bus" (as they say) many years ago.

* a former friend who was a manipulator, and who also blamed me for things I didn't do or say.

* a former friend who is a self-sabotager.

* myself.

I have to say, just making this list has shifted me a bit. because I was trying hard to describe these people without using their names, but also without saying judgmental things...I don't know that I was totally successful in that, but this little exercise has given me a lot to think about. I wouldn't say I've magically become compassionate towards these people, but at least I'm thinking about the fact that I'm not. and that's something better than nothing.


schnerpin merpin

you see, my friends, the problem about blogging more often is that I don't always have something interesting to say. so what do I do then? I mean, I have a few back-up post ideas that I've had in the back of my mind for a while, but most of them would require a good amount of thought and effort... and today is so rainy and lazy that the last thing I want to do is, like, think and stuff.

mondays have been hard for me every since I started my 500 hour yoga teacher training program. I'm there most of the day on sunday and then I work all day on monday and then I have to go back to my ytt in the evening and I don't get out until 9pm. yea, it stinks. I mean, yea, it's temporary and all... it's only until april... but still, in the moment it sucks - especially when all I want to do is roll up into a ball on my couch and hibernate. first world problem, I know.

today has just been mostly quiet. my residents are reading Shooter by Walter Dean Myers. it's an ok book... they like it and don't complain when we have to read, which is always a bonus. they're also watching Bully at the same time to keep them interested (bullying is one of the themes in the book). I also spent some time catching up on reading and other homework for my yoga teacher training. then I went to target and roamed around a little bit, mostly aimlessly, but then I ended up getting madhavi some new school socks/tights. after lunch I read some of The Red Tent, which was followed by a good, hardy belly laugh with some co-workers over this cat-picture article. I mean, honestly, who doesn't think kitlers are hilarious?!

alrighty people. I think I've bored you enough with my uber boring day. but I'm keeping the momentum going. and that's all that counts, right?


this week

this week I...

- realized that if I only worked one job and didn't constantly over-commit myself, I could actually cook dinner for my family more regularly.

- received an irritating email from a student who was dissatisfied with his final grade. this wouldn't have been so bad except he blamed me for the grade. and I quote, "you ruined my 3.94 GPA." yea, pretty sure I didn't do that.

- was reminded how very much I do not want any more children.

- stressed over a strange full-body rash that madhavi broke out with over the weekend. we were convinced it was fifths disease, even though her doctor said it wasn't. well, her doctor wasn't sure exactly what it was... but anyway, she literally cleared up "over-night" monday into tuesday. she's still a little hoarse from having a chest/sinus thing going on. but she's thankfully much, much better.

- was quite productive. I cleaned out my folders from last semester, did lots of shredding, caught up on all my blog-reading from over winter break, started The Red Tent, worked out my syllabi for spring semester, wrote a letter of recommendation, and cleaned my classroom fishtank/dusted around my classroom. honestly, with as much free time that I have at my regular full-time job, I could have easily done double this. but why?

- shopped a bit online. purchases included: bulk asafoetida, contour memory foam pillow, bully, and some aveda face stuff. I also received this book, which I ordered last week. I think it will be my next read once I'm done with The Red Tent. oh, and I'm still waiting to get this super awesome shirt in the mail, which I ordered after the new year when the company offered 20% off. I'd been eyeing it for a while, so I figured whatever, #yolo.

that's all I've got peeps! I hope you had a fantabulous week and stayed warm wherever you are in the world!


smallish big

I don't have much to say, but I need to write something so here it is.

oh, but first - I added a new tab up above... "stats" - it's a replacement of the "non-faqs" tab. that one got old and boring, so I decided to make it something new. enjoy, or something.

I heard this quote the other day and I thought it was so amazing that this will be my sharing for today. it's such a small and simple saying, but so profound and beautiful.

"You cannot prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from building nests in your hair." -Chinese Proverb


and here's a little bonus...one of my residents was super cranky this morning and rather than get beotchy back to her, I decided to try to lighten her up a bit. so I looked up corny jokes, and this was by far the biggest hit:

-Why does Snoop Dog use an umbrella?

-For the drizzle! (but you have to say it, "fo' da drizzzzzle!"

you're welcome!


winter vacay

back to work this morning...but to be honest, I'm a little bit glad to be back in my routine. here are some random things I did during my winter break.

- finished reading Mockingjay (it was pretty good…I was both disappointed and satisfied by the ending.) and read Yin Yoga: Principles and Practice (short but sweet! learned a few things… which is always a bonus!).

- watched a lot of movies: We’re the Millers (hilarious!); The Wolf of Wallstreet (good, but super explicit and raunchy in some parts); Wild (sooo good, but very heavy); The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part I (so far so good. they split the movie pretty much exactly where I thought they would. they didn’t really seem to change much – some of which I liked, some I didn’t. overall I liked it though.); Into the Woods (I quite liked it, though if you don’t like musicals or fairy tales then don’t bother. it was reaaaalllly long.).

- watched my fair share of Law and Order: SVU.

- cleared off my dvr. this included mostly lots of episodes of The Sisterhood: Becoming Nuns and Beyond Scared Straight (which gita is strangely fascinated with...).

- ate a lot of cookies, chocolate, and sugar in general.

- took a few good naps.

- got to go on a date with jd (see Wild, above).

- updated and added to my family picture wall (swapped out the photo of madhavi, bottom center, and then added the three on the right).

- thought about going to the gym…thought about it.

- cleaned/dusted stuff that doesn’t usually get cleaned/dusted. this was coupled with lots of laundry and dishes.

- perhaps best of all! received new outfits for our deities and got to dress them all! they look so beautiful!

basically I watched a lot of stuff. ha! my break was pretty chill over all - I felt like I was constantly doing something, but also had a good amount of relax time. onward and upward... to spring break that is...


always with the best of intentions

I think I've explained many times that I am not very good at making promises to myself (and sometimes to others) and keeping them. promises, vows, resolutions, whatever. I have a tendency to not follow through. I don't know why, because in my mind that's not who I am. I'm a person of my word... in my mind. but also my mind is a monkey-mind, so it makes up all kinds of things... including excuses as to why I can't/won't/shouldn't keep those promises.

but I'm a bit of a glutton for punishment... or no, that's kind of depressing. I'm a secret optimist? or maybe just a realist with good intentions... whatever I am, I'm going to make another go-around at some resolutions for this coming year. I'm trying to make most of them easy and attainable... but also a few that are a challenge. because, why not?

here we go...

* read at least six books for pleasure. this means that these books are not required by work or school or some kind of training. they are to be chosen out of pure whimsy - well, maybe with a little exception. 1. I'd like one to be a book of poetry... I have so many. but generally I just flip through a read random poems. I'd like to pick one and read it cover to cover. 2. one of the books has to be one that I already own. sometimes there's a book I really want to read so I buy it, but I don't have the time at the moment. then it usually ends up on my bookshelf and I kind of lose interest and it just sits. so I think I need to read one of those. ha! 3. I'd also like one to be related to devotee life somehow. but it has to be something that's not satsra necessarily. because I don't want it to feel like I'm studying. remember, this is about enjoyment and pleasing my senses!! haha! oh, I should also mention that I do already have one lined up for my first book of the year,  The Red Tent, which I think I'll start on monday.

* lose 10 lbs. and mean it. guys. I'm sick of this up and down crap. and now that I'm heading over the mid-thirties hump, I know it's only going to get harder. and actually, I'd like to lose 15 lbs., but I'm trying to be reasonable with myself. also, no fasting/cleansing to do this. serious proper diet and actual exercise that will include strength training.

* learn at least two (new?) hare krishna tunes and one bhajan on the harmonium. I say "new" with a question mark because I actually really want to re-learn two specific tunes that I used to know but never wrote down so I totally don't remember them. I'm not sure which bhajan yet - but I'm leaning towards maybe bhaktivinode thakur's nama sankirtan.

* blog more. at least three times per week. I'm thinking monday, wednesday, friday. because guys, c'mon. it's dumb that I don't!

* complete at least two things from my 40/40 list. I'm not going to lie. I'm pretty sure I'm not going to do most of the things on that list. but there are some I still want to do. and I don't want to totally give up. I'm not sure which two I'll focus on, but I do have an idea of what at least one of them will be. but I'm not telling yet.

* practice and (perhaps) advance with the reiki biz. so, I became attuned and reiki level one certified a few weeks ago but I pretty much haven't done anything with it since I took the class. it's timing, really though... with the holidays and all. but I want to start practicing and hopefully do the level two certification.

* start my little publishing press idea called tea or me. this has been a dream for a long time - to publish vaisnava/krishna-concious inspired works, not just by myself, but by other young devotees. with a focus on fiction and kitschy writing, it will be all about expressing without boundaries - indirectly but directly serving all at once. anyway, I have so many ideas that are all jumbled up - and even a first book by a really fabulous young vaisnavi... I just have to get myself focused! so yes, this year!

I think I had like twenty other ideas... but I need to be realistic. so, yea. this is it. we'll see how it goes.