food is lyfe, dawg

write down your favorite recipe.

I wouldn't say that I have a favorite recipe - though this one for faux chikk'n soup originally by my pal Deva America would be on the list if there was a list.

so I was thinking maybe I'll just link three recipes I really want to try? sure. why not.

I always see really great looking recipes on the Minimalist Baker blog. I have yet to try any... but these look delicious. and I mean... brownies ftw!

Minimalist Baker Simple Vegan Brownies

Also from the Minimalist Baker... for very obvious looking reasons...

Vegan Snickers Cheesecake

Ok... finally something not-sweet and maybe more healthy. I've had a veggie spiral machine for like three years and I have yet to bust it out. I think about using it all of the time though. so maybe this recipe with a few tweaks...

Lemon, Tomato, and Feta Coodles (wtf is a coodle?!)

all recipes found via pinterest. enjoy the food porn!



three for one

sorry. I got caught up in life the past two days, so I'll be doing 3/7-3/9 in one post.

what has changed about you/in your life recently?

the more things change, the more they stay the same. honestly. truly. I know life is always changing and I'm sure I have different stuff going on now than I did a few months ago, a year ago, whatever. but if I really look at it, it's all the same-same.

- still working the same job/career, despite all of my many attempts to change that
    I am currently enrolled in a Student Assistance Coordinator certification program. that's different I

- still have fibromyalgia. still in pain all of the time. still tired all of the time.
    trying to see if diet affects my symptoms. I've been relatively ok with following gluten-free/lower
    dairy diet.

- having a similar experience with someone in my life that happened in 2015. I can't really say much because it's super personal and legal and blahblah. but it's super stressful and very groundhog day like.

anyway, yea. I mean, I'm watching some new tv shows, but that's about it. bleh.


what is frustrating you right now?

argh, this is hard because the one thing I actually want to talk about, I kind of can't. but I guess when it comes down to it, when I think of this situation that's going on right now between someone from my past and someone whom I love very much, I guess I'm frustrated because there are a lot of things out of my control. I can't force this person to act a certain way or see certain things. and honestly, I don't want to. I don't want to be control or make things how I want them to be. but I do wish this person would stop being so ridiculous and stubborn and nasty. that would be nice. ultimately I just want peace for everyone - and I'm ok if peace doesn't look the way I expect it to. like, I have no expectations of what that will look like - in a way that I want to control the outcome. I just want to feeling of peace for everyone involved. and I mean everyone - even this person who is causing problems and being an asshat. even for him.


what do you need to start over soon?

how soon is now? how long until it's over? they say it's never too late to start over. when does never begin? does it ever end?

I guess the thing is that I don't want to have to start over. I want to keep going, keep pushing. I want to make something, be something - feel satisfied in the every day. but that's the thing - I don't think that's even possible. I don't believe it to the point where when I hear or see someone who claims they are happy and everything is great and they love their jobs, blah blah whatever, I just think they're lying.
because it's not possible. if it's possible, why can't I have it? why is it always hiding from me?

maybe when rahu goes away. only like fifteen more years. nbd.


random ramblings on prayer

who or what is currently on your prayer list?

truth be told, I don't pray much. I usually have to be feeling uber desperate or hopeless/helpless to send a real prayer out. and it's usually an absolute begging for relief or resolution. I was thinking about this with yesterday's prompt - how I was brought up in a faith (catholicism) with very specific prayers that are mostly asking for salvation/relief from sins/forgiveness, etc. when I came to krishna-consciouness, I was also given a prayer, but it's... I don't know... different. mantra meditation is just... different. I know a lot of people liken the chanting of mantras on beads to saying the rosary... but it's just... different. and while I know and understand the meaning of the hare krishna mantra (translated as "oh energy of the lord, please engage me in your service"), it's hard to meditate on the meaning of something when you're saying it in a language that is not your own. maybe hard isn't the right way to say it... it's just more difficult to focus on it, I guess. or at least for me. though I also appreciate the beauty and power of the sanskrit.

I have to be honest - I'm just rambling a bit here and I'm not really sure where I'm going.

I guess when I think about prayer, I think about what I wrote in the poem yesterday - I associate prayer with asking for something - and usually something unnecessary, or selfish, or whatever. like when I really, really, REALLY pray, it's usually something like, "krishna, please, please, plllleeeeeaaaase get me the heck out of this." with "this" being a relative thing to whatever the current situation is.

but I think because I know what I should be praying for (to be engaged in krishna's service), I don't do it very often 1. because I know my karma/destiny is relatively fixed and praying for it to change won't actually change it and 2. is being engaged in service what I really want? I mean, I want it because I know I should want it but I'm super selfish and self-centered, so, like, is that what I actually want?

anyway. I guess to answer the prompt I could just refer back to that list of things that would make my life perfect right now. but if I have to narrow it down to just one thing to pray for it would have to be peace and balance. unfortunately peace and balance aren't cheap... they come at the price of a lot of things coming together in a certain way... and, well, it doesn't seem like that's my karma. shrug.


poem: prayer

what is one impossible dream you can pray over today?


words implore
what feelings
cannot help
but beg
give me
saving grace

give me this
give me that

you get
in return

words implode
flow in and down
like lava over
the feelings
never satiated

a world
where there
is no satisfaction

or happiness.


magic wand

if you were able to instantly change your life, what would be different?

1. chanting my rounds would be easy and I would do it every day.
2. I would live much closer to a spiritual community. my preference would be radha-govinda mandir, but any inspirational and thriving community center on krishna would do.
3. I wouldn't have a chronic pain condition.
4. I would be working as a school counselor in some capacity.
5. my family, my children, they would all be thriving and peaceful.
6. I would feel peace. my soul would feel grounded. my mind would be mostly quiet. everything would be centered and balanced.
7. I would have no debt or financial stress - this doesn't mean having a ton of money, but I wouldn't have to ever worry about it.
8. I would be 20 lbs lighter. I would feel comfortable in my own skin. I would feel good about the body I live in.
9. krishna prema. (lolzzz, j/k, if I got krishna prema everything else wouldn't matter. duh!)


always remember, never forget

today's prompt: what do you never want to forget about yourself/your life right now?

in krishna consciousness there is a verse that says (my paraphrase) the most important thing in life is to always remember krishna and never forget him. it is simple enough to say, but exceedingly hard to do.

when I look at this prompt, I can only think of things unrelated to krishna. mostly I think of my family, which in a sense isn't unrelated to krishna, but some would call family a material attachment. I mean, I don't know, I guess. but I guess what I wish most of all is that I could look at my life right now, in a spiritual sense, and it would resemble my spiritual life in 2000ish - maybe a little less fanatical, but more like in the sadhana and sanga aspects. I've tried to get back to some semblance of that life, but it's hard. and the reality is that my life is so vastly different from back then. I don't know how to capture the sameness of the past in the difference of the now.

the more I look at my life now, the more I see things I want to forget instead of things I want to remember. the only thing that exists now that I would want to hold onto is the ever changingness of my children. madhavi is swiftly blossoming into a beautiful and even-more-talented-by-the-day young woman. gita is becoming more aware of the world and reality and learning, learning, learning and becoming who she will eventually be in the world. I love them, even when I can't stand to be around them. ha! (that's my humor, don't be offended by it!)

I pray that one day I'll be peaceful and satisfied with my life, whatever that will be.


goals for this month

1. blog every day.
2. go/stay gluten free, minimize dairy and processed foods. also, in other words, eat healthier and more whole/real foods based.
3. more self care. try to take a hot bath at least once a week for relaxation/detox.
4. try a new crochet project. pussycathats are fun, but I want to try something new.
5. write three poems. I don't know why three. that number just popped into my head.

missing the view from  my hammock. can't wait for spring!


here and now

well, hello there.

I forgot that I had the idea to do a post everyday for the month of march until just now - now being 9:20pm. it's been a long day, as all the days lately have been. I'm just now finally settling in from getting home from my second job - adjuncting at my local community college. I actually have a great group this semester, so I'm not complaining. it's rare to have a class that is so talkative about the literature that we're reading. it makes my job so much easier. but still, I'd rather be home doing something else. that's the way it always is.

anywho, the idea is to follow a list of prompts for the month - this way I won't get stuck saying I don't have anything to talk about and go on whining about nothing. I scoured around pinterest and finally found a list that I like, so this is what I'll be using...

some of them are meh. but it was the best of the not-so-great, I guess. I think I'll do lots of list posts, but maybe not too. at any rate, I'm tired as heck and want to get to watching last night's daily show so here goes a short one for tonight...

somethings I learned last month:
1. having a 15 year old is weird. and hard. and awesome.
2. being 38 feels like being 37, but also like my body hates me.
3. it's time to make an actual tangible change in my eating.
4. "bands" is another way of saying "thousand" in street lingo. for example, saying, "he robbed me for 50 bands" means $50,000.
5. the sadness will always come back. and will eventually go. but it will always come back.